he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
