You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
