Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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