Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Randomize
