Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
