I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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