hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
