i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
