Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
