I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
