I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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