Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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