If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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