Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
