At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
