Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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