my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
