when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
