he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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