mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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