i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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