My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Randomize
