Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Randomize
