His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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