she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i think my cat just said my name.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
