If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
