i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
