When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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