I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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