just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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