I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
