Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You're a waste of cheezeits
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
