Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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