My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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