Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
