but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
