she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
