We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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