i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
