i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i just google imaged poop.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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