I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
