May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
