i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
