you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
