I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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