there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
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