I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
