If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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