My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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