She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
