So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
