Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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