Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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