i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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